Erotic Romance and Psychotherapy

Odd combination? Not really. At least not when the therapy includes work on sexual issues.

Many women are afraid to say the words vagina or penis, and they absolutely won’t say pussy or cock. Don’t even mention masturbation or oral sex—or vibrators. If I do, they will give me grimaces as if I’d just told them they had to eat something moldy and unidentifiable from the backs of their refrigerators.

So when my clients accidentally let it slip that they have sexual issues, I say, “I can help you with those, too. I do sex therapy.”

They normally sit there stunned—and seemingly terrified—because I suggested working on the taboo subject.

“No, that’s okay. I’m not comfortable talking about it. I shouldn’t have brought it up,” is the typical response.

A lot of women are sexually repressed because of family, religion, society, sexual abuse, self-esteem, etc. The list could go on and on. They don’t know how to enjoy sex because it was never encouraged.

In fact, it was discouraged. “You don’t want to be considered a slut, do you?”

Yes, as the years pass this mentality is changing, slowly. But for a few generations of women, the damage is already done.

This is where I come in, and the many other sex therapists around the country. Believe it or not, I’m the only one within an hour of my home who does sex therapy. Granted, I do live in a rural area, but, on the other hand, this is a poor area with one of the largest mental health agencies in the state—where I work. With such a high number of therapists, I shouldn’t be the only one working with this.

But there is another problem. This is also an issue for many of the therapists I know. If I would try to sit down with them and have a discussion about sex, they would be very uncomfortable. And if they’re uncomfortable talking about it with a colleague, how are they ever going to be able to help a client with sexual problems?

So where do the erotic romance novels come in? Simple. It’s easier for women to read about sex in the privacy of their own homes than it is to have an open and explicit discussion. I suggest erotic stories to clients, and coworkers, so they can slowly become comfortable with the “idea” of sex, and all the terms associated with it. Then we can begin to have conversations about it.

For example, one woman had been molested repeatedly, and nearly raped once, before she was a teenager. These traumas caused her to be unable to truly open up sexually with her husband, even many years into the marriage. The thought of being touched intimately made her nauseous, reminding her of what had been done to her as a child. She could only associate certain sexual acts with those horrible memories.

This also deadened her sexual response in general. No interest or enthusiasm, though she loved her husband completely.

Needless to say, this created problems in the marriage when they would go months, and sometimes years, without sex. Her husband never strayed, realizing she had a problem she was unable to control, but by the time she got up the courage to go to therapy, the strain on their relationship was almost too much.

Besides the normal treatment to deal with her past, and bringing her husband in to work on how to help her through, I had to teach her to associate sexual intimacy with something positive. Yes, we worked on this with her husband, that was a major part of it, but she needed something for herself, as well.

Already an avid romance reader, it didn’t take much convincing for her to give erotic romance a try. After the first book she was shocked. As strange as it felt to her, she enjoyed reading the explicit sex scenes, especially the ones where the hero slid his fingers into the heroine—and the heroine’s unashamed reaction of joy and pleasure.

She wasn’t yet ready to move these sexual acts out of the pages of books and into the bedroom, but after a few more similar novels she was.

This process took time, months, and in the end she was able to associate good thoughts and memories with these acts. Now she craves her husband’s touch, and now she wants to touch him back.

I’ve seen this happen repeatedly, but just like any other issue we may need to deal with, it only works when the person is ready to make a change.

There are definitely clients, coworkers, and friends I could never suggest this to because of religious beliefs or other reasons. But for those who are open to it, reading these stories can completely turn their lives around, and not only sexually.

What it also does is gives them back something that was stolen from them. It gives them back control. The empowerment created by this is phenomenal. They are more confident and outgoing in all areas of their lives, when before they had been fearful and closed off.

They actually begin living, rather than merely existing.

So, for those of you who read erotic romance, be proud that you are comfortable with sexuality. For those of us who write it, be proud that we can make it okay, take away the taboo, and maybe change someone’s life forever.

Bet my fellow writers never thought they were giving therapy.

This is my first post for Some Write It Hot, and I'm grateful to have this opportunity since I am still one of the newbies on the block. My day job is psychotherapy, but by night, another side of me emerges. I write erotic paranormal romance under the name Lorraine Pearl—mostly involving vampires, although I am playing around with other creatures, too. Sounds a little dirty, but that is our specialty here. I am currently working on a book called Night Therapy.

For a little taste of my writing, please visit my website and blog.

http://www.lorrainepearl.webs.com/
http://www.lorrainepearl.blogspot.com/

Thank you for welcoming me here,

Lorraine Pearl

Remember our veterans today, 11/11/11, and every day.